Friends ask me all the time, “David, am I a hipster? If so, am I too hipster, or just hipster enough to be ironically meta?” I then punch those friends in the face and walk away.
But for all of you humans out there who may wonder about your hipsterness, after excessive (and I do mean excessive) scientific testing, I have come up with the following absolutely impartial and foolproof formula for determining your level of hipsterosity:
- Read through this list of indie music predictions for 2012, and add one point for each reference you get. Add two points for any reference you laugh at.
(My score: 19) - Open iTunes, hit shuffle, then hit play. If the first track that comes up is something your mom has heard of, subtract 50 points.
(Jimmy Durante’s “As Time Goes By” just cost me 50 points … My score: -31) - If that track was something you bought to be funny or ironic, give yourself 100 points.
(My score: -31) - If you have ever been called a hipster by friends who live geologically closer than you to the center of the nearest major metropolis, add 10 points for each friend — not each time.
(My score: -31) - If you have ever been called a hipster by friends who live further from the center of said major metropolis, subtract 10 points or each friend.
(My score: -41) - If you have drunk Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer for any reason, double your score.
(My score: -41) - And for the coup d’état: If you are a guy, multiply your score by the number of pairs of skinny jeans that you own. If you are a girl, multiply it by the number of pairs of thick&dark-rimmed glasses that you own.
(My score: 0)
As you can see, I am (and this is purely scientific) what’s known as a “non-hipster.” Here’s a handy score sheet for you:
0 points: Non-hipster
1-5 points: Slightly hipster
6-10 points: Somewhat hipster
11-20 points: Hipster
21-30 points: Quite hipster
31-40 points: Excessively hipster
41-50+ points: What’s the weather like in Williamsburg this time of year?
Please post your score here for the public record. It will be very helpful to your friends to have this handy metric for evaluating your tastes and recommendations. And it’s so ironic, too.
4 responses to “Finding your Hipster Quotient”
but lots of people who aren’t hipster have dark-rimmed glasses! it’s just the trend right now, both in hipster circles, and in fashion circles. :-P
#1 trait of a hipster: He/she will deny being a hipster.
You both make good points. Maybe you could talk it out over a nice cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon?
to Alex: nanny nanny boo boo.
and i know i’m apparently digging a deeper hole… but brands like JCrew and Dior are not hipster… and yet, they endorse and sell those types of glasses. so THERE